lost 

and found again  

you’ve tested my thoughts and examined my heart (psalm 17:3)  

blessed to be back on your path 

grateful to know what’s it’s like to fear you 

thank you for everything 

and continue to do for me 

fix my posture 

with wisdom 

and love 

so i can become the person you want me to be 

i’m not perfect 

but i’m trying to be better

for myself

and

for you

i love you 

I don’t hate you

just in pain after everything I went through 

I don’t know who I am anymore 

who am I without you?

My identity melted into yours 

or simply

just faded away

living this past year like a ghost with no sense of direction 

only yours 

I’ll find my way

I won’t ever be the old me again 

no matter how badly I want to go back

and change everything 

I have to learn to love myself again

find who I am after I gave you my heart 

on a broken platter

loved you more than I loved myself 

I’m sorry for the way things happened that led us here 

I’m sorry for not being strong enough to love the both of us

I thought I was strong enough to let it go

but it fundamentally changed me

it had nothing to do with me

but had everything to do with me

being affected by it

like black mold slowly spreading all over

As the months went by 

you glowed with my heart 

fixed and healed yourself 

I was slowly 

decaying 

deprived of my oxygen and blood

I was naive to think that I can let it go and

we could live happily ever after 

for the first time

I’m acting selfish

the broken platter jabbing into my heart 

blood seeping through my hands 

for the love I once had for you 

slowly leaving 

Slowly filling into my new heart

I’m creating for myself 

I need you to let me go

And I need to let you go 

for us to continue on our own journey 

and to continue to explore what god has intended for us 

I don’t hate you

I just 

outgrew 

my love

for 

you

My worst fear came true

that one day 

pictures of you will come to an end

that you’ll be a memory 

slowly being lost to the archives 

a piece of me died

a piece I don’t think i’ll ever be able to fill again 

a lost identity 

lost and would never be replaced by another 

oh, how I wish for you to be here 

to hold you 

to see you take your last breath in my arms 

oh, yahweh

the things I’d do for you to give me back my best friend 

to be able to turn back time 

you were so young 

oh, how I wish you lived longer 

7 beautiful years with you 

loving you changed my life

but losing you heavily did the same 

thank you for being my best friend.

I love you

It’s been almost a year, and you haven’t shown up in any of my dreams 

why do I dream more about Abuelita than you?

Will you ever show up? 

Will I ever see you again, or will you soon become a faded memory?

Archives are the only way to keep my memory of you

I wish I knew more about you when you were alive 

I wish you were alive for us to bond about our love for photography and archives

IT’s unfortunate how we grow to learn about someone’s identity after we pass 

learn about the public and private of our lives

I wish that you were here

I’m sorry for not speaking to you as much

I’m sorry that I was not confident in my Spanish as much

I’m sorry that history and geographical differences didn’t unite us more

I wish I put in more effort

death never crossed my mind

you were always going to be here

tomorrow I’ll talk to you 

now I can’t

come to my dreams

so I can have more conversations with you

remember your face 

please come back 

I don’t want you to become a faded memory

i’ll forever love you, mi vida.